3rd Trimester!

I am so excited to be in the home stretch. I know I still have a ways to go and it's the hottest part of the summer, but I'm still pretty excited. I am grateful that I get to be big and awkward and grouchy at home in front of my air conditioner instead of at work chasing kids. Maybe it's because of my mom and how she was so excited to be pregnant, she always told us how wonderful everything was - even the morning sickness. Maybe it's because we tried for quite a while to get Kaity, but I have loved every minute of being pregnant. Even when I didn't feel well, or was nauseous, dizzy, tired, sore, itchy, grouchy, swollen, etc. I have been so happy because Kaitlyn is just growing and healthy. The doctor says everything is going well and I'm right on schedule. Oh, and for all the family who keep saying there must be twins, I'm so big...the Dr. confirms that Kaity is the only one and I'm measuring just fine. I'm just short and carrying her all out in front. Here's a picture from 26 weeks - she's grown a lot!

Goodbye Grandma Webb

Yesterday at about 2:30 in the afternoon I received a phone call from my dad that my grandmother had passed away. This wasn't a surprise, we've all been expecting it and preparing for it since she first moved in with my parents about 18 months ago. Grandma was amazing and had been struggling since last Thursday; but she refused to ruin Jennie's wedding or mother's day, so she hung around the few extra days. She always was stubborn.
My grandmother was a beautiful woman who taught me many things about life. Grandma had a huge backyard full of flowers, but my favorite was the blackberry bush. I remember dragging her stool outside to pick all of the blackberries I could reach. I would come in with my mouth stained black and my arms all scratched up from the thorns. Every afternoon we'd watch Sesame Street, Mr. Roger's Neighborhood, and then Perry Mason together. Whatever craft Mr. Roger made on his show, Grandma would gather the supplies and we'd do it that afternoon. We'd go on field trips to the horse swings at the park, or walk through the international flower gardens. Grandma loved to pack picnics, and her favorite sandwich was a BLT. Jennie loved peanut butter, but I never did so Grandma would pack her picky granddaughter a B sandwich - just the bacon since I didn't like the L or the T either. On hot summer days we'd run through the sprinklers until our lips were blue and we were shivering with cold. Then Grandma would call us in and wrap us in a quilt and give us hot chocolate. I remember one sunny afternoon when I'd learned to jump rope I expressed some doubts as to whether she could do it too. Grandma jump roped just fine - in her kitchen to prove she could. Grandma taught me to sew and made beautiful sweaters, quilts, and afghans. When the doctor told her she couldn't crochet anymore because of her arthritis, she went home and made three tableclothes for me, my sister, and my cousin Becca for our weddings. I am so excited that I am having a little girl who can wear all of the sweaters that Grandma made for me over the years. When I was little I even asked her to make a sweater for my Ernie doll, and she did - without a pattern. I loved nothing more than cuddling in the queen sized pink quilt she made for me when I was 8. When I was sick, I'd ask my grandma if I could sleep with her Wendy doll. This was a porcelain doll with beautiful blonde ringlets, and yes she let a sick 5 year old sleep with her. Wendy is currently in my front room on a top shelf where she can watch over us all.
I am so grateful for the beautiful influence this woman has had in my life, and I am even more grateful for the gospel and the knowledge that I will get to see her again. I am glad that she was sealed in the temple for time and all eternity to my grandpa and my mom, making us an eternal family. I am a little jealous that she gets to hug our Savior, kiss my grandfather, and play with my brother and my Kaity. I know now that Kaitlyn will be a stubborn little girl, cause my grandmother will definitely teach her how. I am so happy that my little girl will be named after a strong woman, and have a wonderful role model to look up to.
I will miss my grandma, Vera Lenore Pearson Webb, but I know that she is not far away, and she is out of pain and finally happy and reunited with her husband. She raised nine kids, and has numerous grandkids and great-grandkids to continue living on the lessons and love that she taught us. I hope that I can always remember her generous attitude, fun spirit, and beautiful example.

Graduation!!!

It's taken me a while to get these pictures posted, sorry about that. Here are some photos of Jared's graduation from BYU. I am so proud of him that he stuck with it and learned so much. There is a picture of him showing his dad around the U/O lab and explaining things there to him. You can tell that Jared really likes what he does.

The best part about my job

This teenager (she gets upset if you call her a kid). I walked into the classroom one day a few weeks ago and she walked right up to me and poked me in the stomach. She smiled at me and said, "I like babies, especially Kayla (her way of saying Kaitlyn)." This sweet girl always makes me laugh or smile, even if nothing else seems to be going well that day.

Kaitlyn - 23 weeks

I went to the doctor yesterday and everything is going well with Kaitlyn. It's that lovely time of pregnancy where they test for gestational diabetes, so I get to go in next week for that test. Kaity hid from the heart monitor for about 3 minutes and the lady was getting really concerned. I told her I wasn't worried: I'd felt Kaity playing all day yesterday, she just likes to be stubborn when it comes to other people feeling, seeing, or hearing her I guess. She'll be kicking up a storm and then if Jared puts his hand on my tummy she immediately stops. I'm not worried, though; she'll run out of places to hide soon and then everybody will be able to feel her. One nice thing, though: she's decided she likes to play and there isn't enough room in my back to play, so she hasn't been in my back for a month! I know that won't last, but it's a nice reprieve right now, hopefully we can continue for another month until school gets out.
I actually made a list of questions for my doctor this time, usually I forget all my questions when I get there. She gave me a prescription for Zoloft - I love that this doctor listens to me. She said that I know my body and if I feel like I need the meds then she doesn't have a problem with them. Zoloft, she said, is her favorite for pregnant/nursing moms because it has never shown any effects to the baby. Also, I am cleared to fly to Dallas for my friend Mandy's wedding! Provided, of course, that I'm not having any contractions or complications, I'm good to go up until 36 weeks; I just have to take someone with me in case. Finally, I asked about childbirth classes. There is a nurse who works in labor & delivery at UVRMC (the hospital that we are going to deliver at if we don't move before delivery) who runs a class. She crams everything into one Saturday, all day event. The class costs $65 dollars and includes lunch and snacks for two people, as well as a tour of the hospital. Jared isn't really looking forward to a childbirth class, but he says getting it over in one day is better than dragging it out for 6 weeks. Also, since it's on a Saturday it won't interfere with any jobs, and since it's all in one day we won't have to worry about moving out of state mid-classes. We'll probably be taking it the first or second Saturday of June.

Facebook issues - why we left.

I had a friend tell me the other day about a guy who sent her very dirty messages on facebook. She reported him and his account was deactivated. Two days later, he was back on with a new account and sending her more messages. She reported him again, but apparently it is very easy to get around facebook's security settings designed to keep creeps out.
Next, another friend, Michelle, had a dirty link posted on her wall. When she logged on to take it off, she saw that she had a new message from an old friend. Upon opening the message she got a virus on her computer. Now she gets to have her brand new computer fixed.
Finally, this morning I received a suspicious message about a book that I had supposedly written my name in as well as a behavior contract. The book was then sold and someone's mom picked it up. They wanted my address so they could return it to me. Now, I did own this book, in fact I still do. It's sitting on my bookshelf at home. I never was on a behavior contract with my parents, and they certainly wouldn't have had me write it in a book - they are very pro-don't-write-in-books people. As I happen to know that I am the only Samantha Zaelit in the country (unless a cousin recently had a baby girl), I know that this message is bogus. Not a fan of the fact that anyone can send me a message, I thought that was reserved for approved friends only. Oh well, you'll just have to check here to find out what's new with the Browns. I'm not willing to take the risk and I'm much more comfortable with the security options and control options of blogger.

Depression is Real

My favorite billboards lately have been the Depression is Real ones. You’ve probably seen them and wondered what they were talking about. They have a picture of a chalkboard with words written on them. The slogans say things like “You’d never tell someone with cancer to just get over it” or “You’d never say it’s just diabetes – snap out of it.” Why, then, do people say the same thing to those who have been diagnosed with depression?

About six months after we got married my doctor diagnosed me with depression. We’d thought it was a thyroid problem for a while, but after taking some thyroid medicine with no results we looked at other options. At the time, I was basically always tired and I could sleep for long periods of time. On weekends I’d sleep for 14 hours before Jared would wake me up – I’d still be tired all day long. This was in the spring of 2007. I began taking medication for the depression and things started getting a little better, but I was still fighting the tiredness and lack of interest in doing things.

At the end of that summer we were called to the activities committee in our ward, a calling I struggled with because I have trouble putting myself out there, and neither Jared nor I were particularly active in the socializing department. We worked hard, though, and ended up putting on several fun activities for the ward, with varying degrees of support from committee members.

During the winter of 2007 I began taking clomid to help us get pregnant. I was getting more depressed and would sometimes have days where all I could do was cry. Jared, wonderful man that he is, would just listen to me and then tell me how wonderful and important I was to him. He would make me laugh or take me out to ice cream to cheer me up. He worked hard in school all day and then came home to a crying wife and instead of complaining he just worked harder for me – doing laundry and dishes and helping around the house so I could rest or sleep. Sleep was still the only out for me, although the medication did keep things under control most of the time.

2008 dawned with some bright hopes for the future. I changed jobs so that I could work in Alpine district, where the insurance covered infertility. We continued working on the activities committee, but Jared was increasingly doing things solo. In the spring I would go to activities and help set up, then go home and watch TV or go to sleep. By summer, I was genuinely scared. During our last activity, a picnic, I helped Jared set up then went home. I sat on the couch and TV surfed and let my brain wander. For the first time since high school, I began to think about hurting myself and ending things permanently. I was petrified of these thoughts and no longer wanted to be alone. I called Jared and asked him to come home and bring someone else with the priesthood with him. Luckily, the bishop was giving Jared a lift home at the time and came over. He and Jared gave me a blessing, and I felt better for a short time. We told the bishop that we were struggling with infertility and he was very understanding and supportive.

Fall was the worst time for me. I started a new job and liked the place, but I missed my friends. I tried very hard, though, to make new friends at Orem. I was spiraling downward, though, and could feel it. By October it was all I could do to get up in the morning. I rarely made it to church or even out of the house on weekends. I’d come home from work each day and just go to sleep. Jared took care of all the cooking, housework, laundry, etc. He’d wake me up at 5:30 to eat dinner and then sit with me until I’d go to sleep again between nine or ten. Jared stayed supportive and loving through all of this, but when I told him that I’d been thinking about suicide a lot, he had to turn to someone else for help. He left me at home one Sunday morning and went to church to ask the bishop for help. He came home with some ideas and we spent the afternoon talking candidly about how we were feeling and how things were affecting him and me. I also talked to my mother in law when she called knowing that something was wrong. We decided it was time for me to get some professional help.

I made an appointment with my doctor to talk about upping my dose of anti-depressants, and Jared made an appointment for me with LDS Family Services. I went and talked with a therapist every 2-3 weeks, and it helped me a lot to understand that I’m not in charge of everything, and I needed to start loving and forgiving myself.

When I found out I was pregnant in December, I had cut back on the counseling to once a month. I was ecstatic. I couldn’t believe that after trying for 20 months our Kaity was finally on the way! Things started looking up for me, but a comment made by a coworker right before Christmas break put me in a funk for about a week. Finally, Jared was able to get through to me and after an email to a friend I was able to put those hurtful words behind me and enjoy the Christmas season.

Because I was pregnant, I decided to stop taking my anti-depressants. I went cold-turkey, which I later learned was a really bad idea. Luckily, my adrenaline was so high that my body was able to take it. Things are still going along pretty well and Jared and I love spending time together and preparing for our little girl to join our family. All is not rosy, though. Now that my hormones (and excitement) have leveled out, I have started having down days again. Nothing big, and I don’t have any harmful thoughts anymore, but there have been one or two days where things make me sad and I just want to sleep. I feel just like I used to when I’d forget to take my medication for a couple of days. I am planning on talking to my doctor this week about going back on anti-depressants – there are a few that are safe for pregnant and nursing moms. I still go to see my counselor once a month. He said that I’m doing fine and he’s pretty sure I’ll be okay; but he just wants to keep an eye on me since I’m not on medication anymore.

This post is really long and congrats if you’ve made it through. I’m not writing this for pity, I’m doing great and I’ve really appreciated the support of my friends. I’m also extremely grateful for the gospel and the saving qualities of the Atonement that have helped me. I’m grateful for this experience, for the things I have learned. I am especially grateful to my wonderful husband who never once gave up on me or thought I was a lost cause, even though sometimes he was pretty scared and must have felt very lonely. I am writing this to chronicle my own struggle and to hopefully let others who are struggling know that I understand and am a great listener. I also wanted to help dispel the myth that depression is nothing important – that you can just snap out of it. We all have our disabilities to deal with; some are more noticeable than others. With the love of our Father and our Savior, however; and the support of good friends, neighbors, and loved ones, we are able to make it through any trial that we are given. I know this to be true.